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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

There are Lots of Vaginas at Bed, Bath, and Beyond








If you draw this card  it represents an opportunity of great freedom, as in the guy you are dating will suddenly tell you he's bought a ticket to see his ex girlfriend in Morrocco, which gives you the opportunity to send "The Second Favorite Text I Have Ever Sent" as follows-

 Me-
I HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU IN THE DESERT AND YOU GET ABDUCTED BY THE SAND PEOPLE AND THEY GIVE YOU A VENEREAL DISEASE THAT WESTERN DOCTORS DON'T KNOW HOW TO CURE.

Him-
WHAT

"The Most Favorite Text I Ever Got To Send" was this text-
to an okcupid date I hadn't met yet who texted at 2 AM-

Him- 
HEY GIRL, WHAT'S UP

Me-
"I'm SORRY< BUT I BROKE MY VAGINA YESTERDAY IN A FRISBEE GOLF ACCIDENT. GOOD LUCK IN YOUR SEARCH, THOUGH. TRY BED, BATH, AND BEYOND. I'VE HEARD THERE ARE LOTS OF VAGINAS THERE.

So, in conclusion, what I am saying is this-
Online dating can be really fun
if your idea of "fun" is sitting at home in your sweatpants cracking your own self up writing text messages to strangers.











3 comments:

  1. So, my BFF and I share a kindle account because I'm poor and computerly deficient. I was trashed and trying to figure out how to get your book on it when you were offering it for free and couldn't manage it so I texted her about it pleadingly. She texted me back later it had been achieved but I was probably passed out by then or spaced it. Cue to last week when I had 2 days of pure plane travel of going to see her in Mexico and then coming back in an attempt to continue my mental health battle out of an institution. I brought Bossypants with me to read, thinking it would last me but finished it the first day. Which left me nothing for the trip home. Then she informed me the kindle app doesn't use data, therefore I was allowed to use it whilst on the plane. I then proceeded to start and finish your book in a day.

    All this nonsense you don't care about to say; I really really enjoyed your book. Like I've read 2 books in the last year, Bossypants was one, yours was the other and I'm so grateful to have picked it. It was phenomenal. I do hope you keep up this blog because I'm totally emotionally invested in your life now and I want to see how you do.

    I mean that in a completely non creeper or pressuring way. But please keep writing.

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    Replies
    1. I'm I've read that about ten times now and each time it makes me so happy. Thank you. Send me your address- I'd like to send you something for that:)

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  2. Yknow, I think I saw you before on Okcupid. I can't remember if I messaged you or not. Seems like everyone on that site is fcked up, but I think the secret is admitting you are fucked up and looking for people whose fucked-uppedness compliments your own.

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