Jesus took my mayonnaise ( May 2011)

You how it is when you haven't eaten anything except those little white, powdered donuts from 7-11 and chocolate milk for three days and you realize that if you don't eat some real food you're going to get scurvy and start to lose teeth and you're single so there is no one who vowed to love you "during sickness and health even if some of your teeth fall out, even the front ones, until death do you part"

So you go to the refrigerator expecting to see 2 limes and about 40 bottles of condiments-12.00 salad dressing from Whole Foods, that ghetto ranch dressing you love, four different kinds of mustard, some Serracho sauce your old roommate left behind, some Zing Zang, hash oil and that's it-except you know there is some shit in the crisper from when you got ambitious a month ago and bought salad stuff thinking -

"I am going to be one of those people who eat salad. Also-I will start doing yoga in the mornings and drinking coconut water." But then a few hours after placing the lettuce, cucumbers and carrots into the crisper you thought-

"Not today though. Tomorrow. Today I will drink a bottle of wine and spend the evening looking at old photographs of me and my ex husband while I weep uncontrollably until I pass out on the bathroom floor. Yup. That sounds better."

You are proud of yourself that you remember not to look in the crisper. You vow to never open that drawer. Like a crypt, it will remain sealed forever, the contents too horrific to contemplate.
Eventually your mother will come over and do it for you anyway. She will be frustrated, perhaps even furious (How can you LIVE this way? What is WRONG with you?) but she will take care of the crisper. You know this-as surely as the sun will rise.

So you are surprised that when you open up the fridge to Not-Look at the crisper and search for treats you find that it has some real food in it. You check the dates. Not expired. Juiceboxes, lunch meat and cheese, those disgusting little yogurt squeeze things kids love, tiny elfin-sized pickles, all kinds of good stuff.

"Someone snuck into my house and put groceries in my fridge" you think. It's like the end of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas when he sneaks back into the Who houses and puts the roast beast back in their refrigerators.
Come to think of it-the Grinch displayed all of the classic signs of being an addict. He stole stuff, was grumpy, self-isolated while his codependent dog enabled him, then he found jesus and his heart grew really big and he "made amends" to the assisted living facility of mildly retarded people called "Whoville".

Since it's a kids cartoon they couldn't directly infer that he was taking all of the presents and snacks from Whoville to pawn up at the North Pole so he could buy a crack rock from the Abomidable Snowman. Get it? Snow Man? Fuck you Disney. I see right through your subtext.

The Grinch's dog needs to go to Alanon though. I think it does go actually, in the directors cut.

So-someone made Christmas happen in the fridge. It was probably your mother.She sneaks over here and does shit. You know she's been here when your cigarette lighter is missing from the table it always sits on outside.
You are thankful. But-you look around-could she not have done the dishes when she was here? Because the sink is full and soon you will have to fill up a rubbermaid tub with all of the dishes and put it in your truck then drive around with all of your moldy dishes in the bed of the truck for 2 weeks because every time you see an apartment dumpster you are too lazy to hop out and throw it inside. That's only happened twice this year. But it looks like another midnight trip to the Shady Oaks apartment complex dumpster is on the horizon.

You could do the dishes. But instead you decide to stay focused on your original goal of eating a healthy lunch. And now there are even the ingredients for a sandwich right in front of you.

So you are happy. Until you realize there is no mayonnaise.
The mayonnaise is gone. The jar is missing.
Who finished the mayonnaise and threw the jar away?
Was it the wizard who magicked the food into the fridge?

Suddenly it occurs to you that maybe assuming the food was the gesture of someone benevolent-like your mother or Jesus-it could have been the work of the devil, or an appliance demon. Maybe the same one who mildewed the towels in the washer last weekend.
Maybe this is some kind of trick-like in ancient myths where you have to go past a banquet table full of delicious treats and not eat even one bite or you will stay in the land of the dead forever. Was that Dante? Or that Greek story about Persephone getting rescued by her boyfriend? Or Land of the Lost?
You have been standing in front of the refrigerator for ten minutes thinking about Greek myths and becoming slowly filled with rage about the mayonnaise.
"Who did this to me?" you think.
It doesn't occur to you until later that it was probably you and you just dont remember, since last week you woke up on the lawn covered in a tiny,doll sized strawberry shortcake blanket next to an empty bottle of tequila and your cell phone.