I can't listen to you talk about that anymore" Chilidog told me yesterday "You're KILLING me. What the fuck happened to you? I saw on Facebook you joined the PTA? On purpose? This is like the pod people. You have to rein it in."
"You're thinking of 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers." I told her."The one where Nicole Kidman finds Jesus and she's so obnoxious that it can be felt from space so a bunch of benevolent aliens come down and use a magic space pod to make her shut the fuck up." She nodded. "Yes" she said, and sighed loudly. "That is the one."
I was sitting with her while she waited for a Lady doctor appointment eating a Chick-Fil-A kids meal. I'd brought it to her because, although the lobby at Planned Parenthood is reminiscent of the third world- odd assortment of non-matching chairs, cracked linoleum, poorly lit by dim fluorescent lighting, woman calling out names in a defeated voice too apathetic to belong to the living- it does not have snacks. So although you have to wait for three hours to get a pap smear ( Thanks for that budget cut Rick Perry!) there is no old woman shuffling up and down the aisle trying to sell you a gordita like there is at the bank in Mexico City.
Even though the gordita lady is always aggressive-sometimes flying into a rage if you tried to say "No, gracias. I am full"-and hurling a live rooster at your face that she pulls from her purse--you long for her as you are sitting in a hard chair reading the same free copy of "Parents" magazine over and over again.
Now you have memorized The checklist for back-to-school. don't forget the Trapper Keeper The easy way to kill head lice. Buy a black market chimpanzee. It will obsessively pick out all of the tiny white treats. Your child will enjoy a relaxing monkey head massage. Everyone wins. Is it normal to lose interest in sex after you have a baby?
No, it's not normal. Not at all. Take this helpful quiz to find out if a) He is cheating on you b) You are too fat now c) The baby ruined your marriage
We here at "Parents" kind of already thinks it's choice a) Good Luck!
"Parents" magazine is only reading material at the doctors office that no one ever steals. Unless you want to read your MD's thesis, which they usually have had kinkos print and bind for you should you suddenly need to understand exactly why a young med student would decide to devote his life to the care and upkeep of vaginas. Look for your doctor's thesis under the pile of "Parents" magazine that lady is using for a pillow in the corner. She's been waiting for her STD check since Monday. You're never getting out of here.
Since only whores frequent Planned Parenthood there is a slight chance you're actually in Hell. Rick Perry sent you there with his powerful night-night prayers that fly out of his mouth in the form of tiny, pure, white doves straight up through the heavens into God's giant ear. Look -Whores, I've actually been to a church lately. As soon as I turned all the crosses in the building upsaid down so they wouldn't burn me I asked the priest about it.
"Hey- How can I avoid spending eternity In Hell?"
And the priest said- "Stop trying to put the bottle of Christ's blood into your purse. I can see you. I'm right here."
Also he said-
"Jesus told all of you whores that he wants everyone to make as many babies as fast as you can. The world doesn't have enough people! If you don't multiply there won't be anyone to populate the mall. Abercrombie and Fitch will go bankrupt. And that's Gods favorite store."
It says that in the Bible sluts- maybe if you spent more time reading both the Scriptures and the instructions printed on that box of condoms you would be eating a Snickers bar and enjoying a refreshing can of Dr. Pepper at a church Lock-In right now instead of averting your eyes from the teenagers stuffing their pockets with rubbers from the giant metal bucket of condoms by the door.
Sunny Haralson was born in a house of ill repute. After acing the first grade, she ran away to join the circus. At night, while the elephants slept, she learned how to spin and sew from the spiders. She made whimsical creations for the trapeze artists, who needed their outfits to be both beautiful and comfortable. Magpies brought her shiny objects to embellish the costumes with, if they sometimes accidentally brought an eyeball they'd plucked from some unfortunate, she forgave them and quietly popped it into her mouth. The circus, for all it glorious adventure, was often low on dietary protein.
When she tired of circus life she retired and set out alone to the desert in a stolen hot air balloon.
It's there, in a tiny FEMA trailer, that she writes her tell-all memoir. She steals ideas from the coyotes and writes them down with needles made from the giant cactus that guards her doorway. The UPS man never sees her face.