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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Your mother could turn stones into doves and levitate

I suddenly feel really weird this afternoon. Like weak and and my chest hurts, hot then cold-just WEIRD- but the worst symptom is that my back-where the kidneys are-hurts like crazy.

So-besides drinking about forty gallons of water I looked it up on Web.MD.
I should put one of those controls parents use to disable sexy websites to block my computer from accessing Web.MD.Because it is telling me that-

I am either having a mild heart attack-
Dizziness
trouble breathing
shooting pain in the arm(that only started about 30 seconds after I read it though)
and a weak heart pumps less blood to the kidneys

or I have -

Kidney Failure
Just like I told those bitches last week at Family Dinner and then they laughed at me.
Now one of you jerks is going to be a blood type match and have to donate me a kidney.
I will trade it for a dress.
And you can't say No. because I will post it on Facebook if you do and then everyone will know you did that.

I have all the symptoms of that-
kidney pain
hot and cold
Feeling confused, anxious and restless, or sleepy. ( This might explain EVERYTHING)


I just want to tell everyone what my advanced directives are. And what my ideal funeral will be like.
It's hard for a grieving family to make these kinds of choices.
You're welcome.

If I'm only dying in the ICU or critically ill then Daisy is going to go into my Facebook and post a list of items that people should send to me so I can feel better and make a dramatic comeback.
No, don't send flowers. Everyone does that. Flowers will not help me come out of that coma like a pickled appendix in a jar will.
Stop being so selfish and lazy.

I'M DYING. Step it up.

Send me-
1. Taxidermied big game animals
2. Human teeth(I don't care how you get them. just do it- I'M DYING)
3.Preserved medical stuff in jars like eyes and intestines
4.Fake love letters. Long ones about how you'll never get over me. With poetry. From women or men. I'm not picky.

Every ex-boyfriend I have ever had since high school has to come into the room, get down on one knee and propose. They will be easy to find. Just check the local bars or the AA meetings.
Then they have to stay in the room, assembled in a circle around my bed so I can finally figure out who is the most attractive one-because it's hard to remember accurately and compare/contrast until they are all together. The winner will be chosen to change the channel on the Tv while we watch "Law and Order". The losers will be sent home, weeping, with a subscription to Match.com.

If I do end up dying suddenly-

Make sure my Mom doesn't throw away all of my cool stuff. She is already trying to do that. Every time she comes over I find something I like in the trash.
"How did this get thrown away Mom?" I will say.
She shrugs.
"I don't know. It must have fallen. But look how pretty that plant looks where that ugly thing used to be.
Make her keep it all for Ruby. She will say she doesn't have room in the garage. That is bullshit.
EVERYTHING gets saved. Even the piles of unopened mail and melted snickers bars under the bed.

At my funeral I want-

fire eaters

a marching band that only plays "Boom Boom Pow" over and over again.

a Celine Dion cake from Wal-Mart
a dozen ferrets dressed up like ballerinas should be allowed to run free in the church underneath the pews.

Please hire either Ice Cube or Luachris-whoever is cheaper of course-to officiate the eulogy entirely in Gangsta Rap.

Jeffs new girlfriend can have my Grandmother's sapphire ring if she will throw herself on my coffin weeping and screaming "NO! She was too young to go!" she gets the matching bracelet if she faints or has to be dragged away and medicated.

Sugar Weasel the clown will read from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gabron.

My dad can pass out like gift bags full of Vicodin, commemorative coffee cups with my face on them and mini Dr. Peppers.

My body should either be
1.cremated, the ashes put in a Folger's coffee can and buried somewhere in my ex husbands backyard without telling him where.
2. Preserved like a mummy and sold to a traveling circus sideshow.
3. Immolated on an Indian funeral pyre next to the Ganges. Everyone has to fly there at their own expense so they can all gather around me and sing the "I'm on a Boat" song. Don't let any of my creepy Match.com stalkers jump on the fire like an Indian bride because then we would be stuck together in heaven and it would be an eternity sitting in the clouds with a harp and a phone made out of cloud like in cartoons sighing and thinking- "God Damn it will you STOP calling me?"

I'm just kidding. We all know I'm going to Hell.

Last Wishes For Ruby When She Grows Up and Says "Tell me about my mother"

Burn all of my journals from high school. They make me look like an asshole.

Everyone I know should write her a letter about me. She can open it when she's eighteen. Be creative-here are some examples.

1. Your mother single handedly saved all of the people aboard a Carnival Cruise ship that got lost and ended up too close to Sudan by using a combination of karate and charm to out wit the sea pirates that had hijacked the ship right before everyone was about to be pushed off the boat into shark infested waters.

2. Prince Harry proposed to your mother first but she turned him down because he wasn't funny enough. Plus he kissed weird-that thing where they put their entire mouth around yours like they are eating your face and dart their tongue in and out like a lizard on a hot day and then you pull away and say "Prince Harry. I have a ring of saliva on the second half of my face." So that was a NO. Get on match.com Prince Harry. I know you love to travel.

3. Your mother won the Guinness Book of Records award for both speed -texting and sending/receiving the most texts of any person in North America over thirteen for two years in a row. After that she became a Champion Speed Eater-specializing in wet hot dogs. Although very popular with the crowds she never surpassed the record of that Japanese kid so she retired at age thirty to have you.

Or whatever. I'm not trying to micromanage you.

1 comment:

  1. I have a folder on my desktop called funeral wishes, even though it isn't complete. Too depressing. I hadn't thought of fire-eaters. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete