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Monday, May 16, 2011

Penguins and Snails

Recently I have been hanging out with the "Picky Bastard" who was the first man to reject me on this year.
"We aren't a good match" he texted me.
Inspiring first-Annoyance. Really? I'm awesome.
Then-well ok. He's probably right.
We decided we would be friends.
I feel really grown up about this.
Because it's not high school. So we are not saying we are "friends" and then humping on the couch. We are actually friends.
Despite the unfortunate Dr. Pepper incident-he is actually-if I block that out-very, very cool. He has read A LOT OF BOOKS. Which -you know if you read my blog-is the best thing about anyone I could say about anyone-male or female. He writes songs that are actually good. Whenever someone says "I am going to play this song on the acoustic guitar that I wrote" I cringe a little inside-because you know it's going to suck and you will have to say something like-"Hey-how cool you are expressing yourself!"
or just "Wow!"

But I like them.
So we hang out. And it's not boring.
It's kind of amazing how many really, really smart men I have met on the Internet this year.Who would think the net of would catch so many nerds?
Yet it does,
Awesome. Because while I used to love the year-round "Heavy Drinker" I now love me a nerd.
So now I have this great friend.
I love this.
The last time we hung out we talked about books. Home-schooled, he didn't start reading until he was fifteen. Which is completely crazy.Now at 35 his bookshelf is full.
I looked-expecting to see Dan Brown and BBQ recipe books but they were all "smart" books.

I also like him because he told me about this wine that is on sale at the Fiesta Mart for 4.88.
Seriously. And it's really good.
4 dollar wine.
You know already, perhaps, that May is the Drinking Month.
So 4 dollar wine is awesome because I'm broke all the time and it's still only half over.

Around midnight I was wandering the store in search of 'Little Penguin" the 4 dollar wine.

Hey-Austin! Don't make me regret telling this story!Do not go buy up all the "Little Penguin." I will cut you.

The thing about Fiesta Mart is that it has the weirdest foreign crap you can imagine. It's open 24 hours a day-so if you need feet at 3 in the morning you drive to Fiesta. Pigs feet, chicken feet, goat ears, antelope hearts--whatever. the butcher's case is a horror movie of this shit.
It is where we go on Halloween to get pigs heads that we leave on people's doorsteps.
We also buy chicken feet there, for Halloween pranks of course.
Imagine waking up the day after Halloween-perhaps opening your door to get the paper-and on your doorstep you find a whole bloody pigs head?
Or a pile of chicken feet?
We all like treats. Maybe sometimes you get a trick.

I saw purple Pine-Sol--which really says "Mexico" to me because if you've ever traveled down into the interior the houses of even the poorest villages are painted every shade of the rainbow.
"Fuck it," says Mexico "I like Color."
When you see the villages from a distance it looks like a giant child dropped a bunch of Skittles into the hills.
Fiesta is where you go for sugar skulls on your way to the cemetery to visit Grandma. The dead have to be placated with sugar or they will fuck things up for you. We all know that, though.
It also has a clothing aisle full of embroidered dresses and shirts made out of the red, white and green Mexican flag. Scary looking Lucha Libre wrestlers masks, sombreros and colorful cowboy hats--all available should you have insomnia and a sudden longing to look stylish while you're eating your midnight chicken feet.
Next to the cosmetics aisle a dazzling array of bright red dried chiles as long as my arm were hanging next to a dozen giant Spongebob pinatas.

I could not find the wine aisle. Also-
although I AM QUITTING-
I do smoke a cigarette occasionally.
I wanted to find some kind of yummy smelling hand creme or neck spray, whatever, so i wouldn't smell like an ashtray.
I was thinking like vanilla or raspberry. I saw "Aciete de Tortuga" (turtle oil) and "Crema de aguacate" (Avocado Cream) but nothing that looked like it would smell very good.
Finally I found a little display of hand lotions-blueberry, pomegranate, something unidentifiable and cocoa butter.
I was trying to open and smell the blueberry when something caught my eye.
The unidentifiable cream-the one I had not looked closely at-I now examined.
I focused a little-because now that I lost my "real" glasses again I can only wear prescription sunglasses-even at night.
I know. You think that is cool. So does everyone else. They think I might be a famous actress who has come to Fiesta to sniff the Turtle Oil.

The label on this hand cream says-
"Cosmetic Snail cream." It features an actual snail slithering across the front. The ingredients list on the back lists "snail extract" after the propolyne glycol.

So I have to buy that one, right?
Because I need Snail cream to cover up my smoke-hands. Also, i am single, and nothing says sexy like a hint of snail wafting lightly in the air as your lover kisses your neck.
Yes. I bought that one.

Back on track, then, searching for the wine aisle through the racks of hurraches and hot pink bread.
I called the Picky Bastard.
"Where the fuck is the penguin wine?"
"It's next to the beer."
"That doesn't help."
Annoyed-I saw the Boone's Farm display and almost just bought that-because Mango Mist sounded really good at that moment and I am pathologically impatient.
But then I saw the rows of penguin wine so I got six of them instead( three of them are for Coco, Mom)
And checked out.

I lathered on the snail cream in the car. It was weird, sure, but it had an oddly refreshing springy scent.
Not just for eating, I thought. Very moisturizing as well-the snails.
Who knew?

Later, on Picky Bastards porch over a glass of penguin wine, covered in snail cream, I asked him why he thought we were not a "match"

Not because I don't think he's probably right. Because-how can anyone not be SO CURIOUS about stuff like that?

Of course no is ever honest about why they aren't attracted to someone.

"That cleft lip thing you have going on just doesn't work for me." No, no one says that.
They say instead "I'm just not in a place to have a relationship right now." or something equally vague.
But honesty is entertaining so I hoped Picky Bastard would tell me. I delight in awkward conversation like this, because life is so boring sometimes.

"So what's up with that?" I asked him."Cause- you know" I pointed to myself "I'm hot. So what the fuck?"

He hesitated.

"No, really," I told him "Man up. I am not sensitive. I have to know. Was it the Dr. Pepper?"

"Uh,well, it seems like all you eat is sugar." he said.
I nodded-Yes-Go on....
"And the smoking...." and he smiled uncomfortably-
"And-how do I say this? You seem like kind of a handful?"

I laughed. There's an understatement for you.

Then he sweetly rushed to say a bunch of nice things about how cool I am.


That is what happens when you are honest, when you take the "Low road"-
maybe you mention-

'I have seizures that make me go temporarily blind'


'My stepfather thought i was the "Bodhisattva" who would literally save the world when I grew up. He tried to teach me to levitate.'

Ladies-maybe it's not such a good idea to be that open about your life with your dates.

then, again, who cares?

"Also-" he coughed and looked away,and sniffed the air-"You kind of smell weird tonight."
"Weird, like as in-sexy right?"

"Um, No, not really." he smiled and picked up his guitar to signal the end of our conversation and began to play a song about Penguins as the light scent of snail wafted through the breeze.


  1. glad i found you - i've missed you!

  2. I miss you too!
    1. I like the Michelob in the morning idea.
    2. Your feet are gross
    3. Your baby kitty you named after me looks EXACTLY like our new kitty-same size and everything-and I just pray every day that it will live until adulthood since I can't keep Ruby from making it "dance" or trying to give it a bath because I need to be on Facebook for a certain amount of time every day. It's required.
    Write me sometime chinamommy :)

  3. What books does he have? I love books.

  4. Like-EVERY book. It's like a bookstore in there. And its organized to the dewey decimal system. At least that what he said-he could be lying about that I wouldn't know the difference. There's like a science shelf and then a history shelf and a russian literature shelf and a hemingway shelf--shakespeare. It's crazy. I keep meeting all these guys who have read more than me. Which I think for geeky bookworm girls is a big panty remover. Men who have trouble getting laid should read some cliff notes on the classics and hang out in libraries to meet those girls. Completely untapped market yall.

  5. "I'm not ready for a relationship" means "You're not perfect, and I'm looking for perfect."

    You're imperfections are perfect, by the way.

  6. I've been thinking about finding a snail to smell for days now....

  7. Send me your address. I will send it to you. I can't put it on anymore. I can't deal with the idea of snail slime on my body. Plus-I'm not going out on dates anymore so I don't to smell sexy like a snail.