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Friday, May 27, 2011

How to Stalk A Woman

Ever since my "serial dating" phase is over I am feeling a little bad that-out of all the strangers I met for coffee I never had a real stalker.
Why not me?
I'm totally worth being stalked.

Then I thought-maybe there are lots of men who want to stalk but don't know how. A few of these things have already happened on my dates but no one has really followed through on all of them.

So even though I'm out of the game I will provide some tips as a public service.You're welcome.

How to Effectively Stalk A Woman You've Just Met

1. On the first date bring her a stuffed teddy bear holding a little heart. We all know you're not just going to do this once so stock up on these during the after-Valentines day sale at Walgreens each year. Be prepared.

2.As soon as you can start talking about anal sex. Even before the first kiss-she will be delighted to know that you like it.

3. Before the second date show her how much you like her by lifting her photo off Facebook and making it your profile picture. Then send her a link. Signed "Me"

4. If she doesn't respond to your texts within an hour she could be hurt or dead! It's okay to show up at her house and make sure she's okay. Knock on the bedroom window-especially if it's really late at night. If this appears to make her grumpy don't worry. Just ruffle her hair. She'll get over it the next day when you-

5. Send her a picture of your penis snapped on your cell phone.

6. Surprise her by having a pizza delivered with a little love note inside. Better yet-dress up like the Domino's guy and deliver it yourself. When she opens the door yell-Surprise!

7. Look up her parent's number and call them when you need to talk about your "relationship". They've known her a long time. They can help you understand her. See if her Mom can send you some of her baby pictures so you can start a collage board in your bedroom.

8. If none of these ideas seem to work-don't give up!~ Women are mysterious, unpredictable creatures. Maybe you didn't tell her how much you cared about her and she feels insecure. So, no matter what,

9. NEVER, EVER STOP CALLING.

Good luck boys!

1 comment:

  1. I actually had number 5 happen to me. At least it was a big penis and therefore fun to show friends.

    ReplyDelete