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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Girl's Weekend

I am getting away this weekend. There may have been another time I have done this (I am sure that Jeff will remind me if it has happened before) but I can't remember leaving without the toddler for TWO WHOLE DAYS. It's really three days and two nights of freedom. If you live in Austin-you may wonder what all the wailing and mourning is that will be heard all over the city from Friday to Sunday. That would be Ruby-screaming because she wants the white gum, you asshole, not the green gum. Or, it might be Jeff, crying out to me in a voice loud enough to wake the whole city to come home and deal with our mutual nightmare of three and a half years. Or it could be the dog, wailing because all hell has broken loose in the house and it hasn't gotten fed in three days.
the point is-I don't give a fuck. Three days.
I will be in my new swimsuit relaxing by the pool with ten women I don't know and one that I just met a few months ago-my Jesus friend, who is always praying for my shit.
"I need to make some sales on etsy this week," I tell her.
"I will pray for you," she says.
"Awesome." I say, and then the sales come-Jesus is good at sales, yall. He is a closer.
Right after I wiped my face with a pee towel today I called to ask her about Girl's Weekend.
"I gotta get the fuck outta here," I told her."I just wiped my face with a dried urine towel. People shouldn't have to live this way."
"Come as early as you want," she said.
"I have to wait until 8 or 9 cause I have to meet up with all the gay people who write for the Austin Chronicle." I told her.(Soon, I will be writing a sex column about straight sex for the gays. Jeff is not happy-will I mine our sex life for good stories when I can't think of anything on my own? You bet your ass I will.)
"Show up whenever," she said."Just be prepared to walk into a room full of very fucked up women."
"I like fucked up women." I told her.
"You know-I mean-drunk."
"I know what you meant."
"I know you don't drink wine, " she said."But drop your shit at least ten minutes before you walk in so you'll be at our same level."
"I'll hit the meth pipe when I turn off I-35." I said."Don't worry."
So-there will be Jesus, there will be drunken revelry,a pool, and if anyone throws a tantrum out there I'm going to kick them in the pussy because I plan on relaxing, not speaking in low tones during a time out, sewing any more fucking prom dresses or wiping my face in anyone's urine for at least three days. At about 7:45 I'm going to stop the car and smash my cell phone against the asphalt until it dies.
Good Luck Jeff!


  1. Can't wait to hear about it... a room full of fucked up jesus women? excellent.

  2. Right! Like I believe that line of crap! You - I give you an hour before and the candy isle or the stupid toy thing will grab your Mommie addled mush bucket there between your shoulders and drives you back to the recesses of pre mommie-dom-ness. Ah Bliss!
    Oh yes!
    the Austin Chipindale like' candy store 's phone # is 512- PAC-KING . . . . Just in case?

  3. All I can say to that is HELL YEAH! Have a wonderful weekend.