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Saturday, March 27, 2010

Incubus Attack at the Mall

I read an article in Psychology Today magazine that described the sleep disorders "Sexomnia" and "Incubus Attack." Sexomnia is when you try to do it in your sleep and an Incubus Attack is when you hallucinate that a demon is sitting on your chest and preventing you from moving. For real-look it up. One guy realized he had sexomnia when he woke up with his hand under his niece's shirt one night and got taken off to jail. I can only imagine how many men would use the sexomnia excuse if this diagnosis was more widely known.
"Really, honey-I was sleeping when I put it up there. I have no idea how that happened."
Incubus Attack is just awesome on so many levels-number one being the word "Incubus' itself. In high school our nickname for this one really pale girl was "The Succubus" because her white skin contrasted in such a creepy way to her almost white-blue eyes that she looked like she could just open her mouth and suck out your soul. A succubus is a female incubus, so maybe at night she was sitting on people's chests and preventing them from breathing, like that old wives tale about cats sucking the breath out of babies to get at the milk smell in their mouths.(That is a myth, the number of cat related baby deaths in this country gets lower every year)

Despite being hung-over my husband Jeff and I decided that it would be a good idea to take our toddler to the mall today to buy her an Easter dress. We don't do much for Easter in my house since I made that pact with the devil a few years ago but my mother is taking her to a picnic and buying a real, new Easter dress that didn't come from a thrift store seemed like such a "real" Mom thing to do. I could have made her dress, but I am lazy, so we went to Macy's because Jeff has a credit card there and we had a coupon for 20% off.
I hate the mall. I immediately get this haunting, post apocalyptic feeling and imagine what it will look like after the super virus exterminates most humans, leaving a tiny population to dwell within the local mall, building fires out of sweaters from Abercrombie and Fitch, using coat hangers for weapons and battling it out in the food court-mad max style. The remake of Dawn of the Dead that came out a few years ago had all the people and zombies drawn to the mall, which only makes it worse for me. Since I saw Dawn of the dead I am really zombie-sensitive in the mall, tense, on the lookout for the modern speedy zombie that might run out of that pack of teenagers and rip out my throat.

So, hung-over, paranoid and tired, Jeff and I locate the little girls section of this disturbingly empty department store. While Ruby is picking out her dress I decide to find her some little white tights to wear under it. Tights=Easter, right? Right.

As I approach the counter the man that Macy's deemed an appropriate employee to staff the little girls underwear department turns to me and I stop in my tracks.
Grey faced, hunched over, a hundred and fifty years old, yellow teeth, he smiles the biggest, sweetest, creepiest grin he can make his skull form.
"may I help you?" he whispers at me.
Holy shit, I thought. It happened. There's zombies at the mall.
I back up a little, noting the location of my child and the nearest exits, and ask him where the tights are.
"whaaaa-?" he lisps.
"TIGHTS, YOU KNOW-" how do you explain the word tights?
"TIGHTS!" I repeat.
Just then Ruby walks over. I decide it is safe, he is moving so slow and shaky that he clearly doesn't have the "rage" or any of the new zombie viruses. He is more Night of the Living Dead- scary but it would take him an hour just to dig himself out of his own grave, then a couple more to cross the street. Ruby can take him, I think, if it comes to that.
"Mommy, why that man talk so quiet?" she asks loudly.
"I don't know, why don't you ask him." Curious myself, it would be rude of me-an adult- to ask him why he was whispering. But my child could do it-that was almost cute.
"Why you talk that way, Man?" she looks up at him. Jeff comes on the scene with a couple of pink dresses in either hand-his eyebrows raised, giving me the "What the fuck is that?" look.
The zombie leans closer to Ruby and whispers
"I almost got my head chopped off" he fake slices his neck with his finger, sliding it across his throat a couple of times real quick"- my vocal chords were severed and I lost my voice--"
I am in shock-but Jeff- the quick reacting parent who can always be counted on to whisk her out of traffic while I dreamily try to process the scene-grabs her by the shoulders, interrupting Macys Zombie.

"Whoa, now-okay! That's enough of that!" he says, pushing her in the direction of the toy display.
I just stand there some more, staring at the scar on his neck. Finally I ask him how he almost got decapitated.

"Car accident," he says."I spent 18 months in the hospital."

In the hospital MORGUE? Before you decided to get back up, sew your head back on and get a job selling tiny dresses to plump, delicious live baby girls?-I think, and we get the fuck out of the mall.

What marketing genius in charge of scheduling put that guy in the kids section? I can see some idiot middle manager in a dimly lit back room, smoking and filling out this week's schedule.
"Hmmmm, where should I put Richard? Maybe-electronics? hardware? No, I'll put the dead guy in the children's section. That makes sense." Expecting what? That he is going to be good for sales? That parents want the excitement of a Thriller video while their daughter is trying on white, patent leather shoes?
If I wake up with that guy Incubus -Attacking me instead of my usual midnight Sexomnia I am going to sue Macy's for emotional trauma. Maybe then I can finally get written up in Psychology Today.

10 comments:

  1. Yes!
    That's how it starts- We make that twisted face - Grab our little Darlin's hand and another xenophobic Biggot is born.
    How do you think it makes our Zombie American community feel?
    If you join ZA (Zombie Anon.)maybe you can still save that innocent little child.
    Think about it! ! ! !
    MAX

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  2. Can't..... Stop..... Laughing.... (snort)

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  3. it's the scene in the movie where you scream at the screen... DON'T GO IN THERE... and now we all know why... LOL.
    Making me feel so much better about the thrift shop dress :)

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  4. Thanks Three Owls-your stuffed animals are wonderful. You should make a zombie dog-bloody teeth, severed head. That shit really goes over with the toddler set(and their parents) or maybe thats just me.

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  5. Its great to find someone that hates the mall more than I do! Truly laughed to death.

    Karoline

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  6. Meeeh I'd rather go to Thailand...

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  7. Oh My God-sugar weasel-is it really you? it is. Here is sugar weasels new blog,yall. very funny story about getting dragged to jail naked in Las Vegas. Sugar weasel-it has to be North Korea-I am not budging.
    http://sugarweasel.blogspot.com/

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  8. "In the hospital MORGUE? Before you decided to get back up, sew your head back on and get a job selling tiny dresses to plump, delicious live baby girls?-I think, and we get the fuck out of the mall." made me actually LOL. :D

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