Did you know that the traditional Spanish nativity scene has a statue of a little man taking a poop in it? I'm not kidding. It's called El Coganaire(Jeff, I know I am spelling that wrong, just email me)We have one at our house, a little squatting man figurine, because Jeff lived in Spain for four years and brought El Coganaire home with him.Just thought everyone should know. Last week my friend came over to try some truly awful chili i made. Every year we attend a Chili Cookoff on Superbowl weekend. People take it really seriously, preparing for the event for weeks, cooking multiple chilis until they have the perfect result. "This is so stupid," I thought, the first time I went. But as the years went by, it has grown on me. So this year I decided to make a chili, a few weeks in advance, to see if I had the right stuff to enter. I do not. I don't know how I ended up with an inedible mass of putrid, bright orange diarrhea, but I do know that even the dog wouldn't eat it. It was everywhere, on the floor, on the ceiling, in three different pots as I experimented( will a little chocolate make it less foul? Hmmm, NO. How about cinnamon? NO.) My two courageous friends, Danna and Cece, came over to try it. "That's pretty interesting!" Danna chirped.She'd just dipped a cracker into the chili made of half a can of spaghetti sauce( I was desperate)Then she gulped her wine like a man headed into a long AA meeting. After my chili shame was ver, Danna told me- "I'm reading Augusten Burroughs.Did you know that he places fake personal ads?" We all know what came next. Our first ad, titled only "I will Clean You..." was flagged and removed immediately. The second ad "Me-Dora You-Backpack" was more successful. It read- "SWF age 28 has Dora costume, looking for a sexy man who will make his own Backpack costume. Adult role play, no strings attached." Within a day we got 40 responses. At least half of them came with pictures and home phone numbers. When I say pictures....their real faces,their chests and biceps, an ass, and a giant erect penis in a hand.Still, the pictures were not as shocking as the home phone numbers. Really, guys? Are you that stupid? So, as soon as I feel like trekking out to a pay phone, I have some new numbers to prank call. Some of our responses included-
"I am single white male that is muscular built. I like doggystyle."
"LOL, that actually sounds very hot, but I can't even think how I would be able to make/buy a giant backpack costume without my wife asking me what I'm doing, and then keeping it hidden from her."
We received a poem about Dora- “Boy that adventure sure was a hoot!” Dora said, laughing, to her talking monkey, Boots. “Sure was,” he replied. “Too bad about Swiper, though.” Soon we will reach the end of our quest. The island we seek, where the Great Cholo rests.”
It went on forever, this poem. Cece called me, choking with laughter. "Have you checked the account? I'm dying!' "They keep asking me for a 'pic" "Send them one of Dora."
So we did, yet they still write. So much testosterone, no sense of irony.
"I have or can get a backpack. What does Dora need in her backpack that she needs to get the job done."
Sunny Haralson was born in a house of ill repute. After acing the first grade, she ran away to join the circus. At night, while the elephants slept, she learned how to spin and sew from the spiders. She made whimsical creations for the trapeze artists, who needed their outfits to be both beautiful and comfortable. Magpies brought her shiny objects to embellish the costumes with, if they sometimes accidentally brought an eyeball they'd plucked from some unfortunate, she forgave them and quietly popped it into her mouth. The circus, for all it glorious adventure, was often low on dietary protein.
When she tired of circus life she retired and set out alone to the desert in a stolen hot air balloon.
It's there, in a tiny FEMA trailer, that she writes her tell-all memoir. She steals ideas from the coyotes and writes them down with needles made from the giant cactus that guards her doorway. The UPS man never sees her face.