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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Wiccans for Oprah

Awkward Conversations

"This guy is so cool. He has a little girl your age, you should hang out."
Me-"I don't like most people."
Man-boy who looks 19 but is really 30, aka Leonardo Dicaprio, who has a face like a giant baby girl-
"No really, he's awesome. His daughter is fearless. He collects guns, he took her out shooting and she grabbed the semi automatic machine gun out of his hand and shot up a tree."
"How old is she?"
"Five."
"Sounds like an idiot."
"No, he has a tattoo of a naked woman, her ass is a skull."
Me-"Yeah, that sounds really stupid. I have no interest in meeting these people."
Pause.
"Are you married?"
"yes."
Man-boy "What kind of birth control do you use?"
Maybe he worked for Planned Parenthood.

I misread an evite last week, I thought it was a costume party. Jeff and I dressed up as elves, bright green and red outfits, pointy hats, knickers with tights, the whole deal. We walked in to a few people dressed as jesus and about 40 people wearing normal clothes. No one laughed, everyone was really polite, which was worse. I've decided to save the costume and wear it in February while I run my errands. To the daycare, not mention it.
"Oh this old thing? Why, do you think it suits me? I don't know."
At the party i was talking to my friend Paula when another man-boy came over to say hi to us. The menfolk of Austin have some kind of Children of the Corn thing going, no one is aging. It gives me the creeps.
Man-boy #2 looked familiar
Me"Where do I know you?"
"I don't know. You look familiar."
Me "I hope it's not because we did it."
Silence.
But my friend Paula thought it was funny, at least.
I wasn't serious, but high school was twenty years ago, and this is a small town.
Last night I went to a winter solstice party. Women only, of course. I received a gift of penis shaped macaroni and cheese and a penis shaped lollipop. Why do people always give me stuff like this? What is is about me that inspires people to think of me when they are browsing through the X rated snacks at the sex shop.
"You know who would really enjoy this item? Sunny. Ha ha, whore."
I don't know. What I do know is that there will come a day when I have put off going to the grocery store for weeks, discover that I have nothing for dinner and serve the penis macaroni to my three year old. It's only a matter of time.
I went to the party because i adore the girls who threw it, but really it doesn't matter if you're thumbing a rosary or dancing naked around a sage fife, I don't get into the spiritual hoo-hah.
"Last time, we did this with some lesbians. It was really awkward, we all had to stare into each others eyes and the head wiccan held up a chalice of menstrual blood."
So glad I wasn't invited to that one.
Last night's party was kind of cool, actually. i was surprised at how much i got into it by the end. I'm not supposed to talk about what we did, or the "magic" will dissipate.
"Can I make fun of this on my blog?" I asked.
"No. It won't work if you do."
But it was pretty mellow, and mostly we just sat around a fire and talked about my friends ex husbands.
"What a douchebag."
"Your new dude is ten times hotter than B___. Have you seen him lately? He has a turkey wattle now."
I made a sculpture of my book, so the "Universe" will publish it this year. I put it into the fire,thinking,
"This is to remind my subconscious to make this happen. I'll harden it in the fire and carry it in my pocket."
Because I have been reading "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell and I really do believe in the subtle unconscious signals you send to yourself, how they direct your behaviour in ways that make things happen for you/not happen.
Also, I read once that Jim Carrey wrote a check to himself for 100,000 dollars,dated it for ten years in the future and carried it in his wallet. In the exact month the check was dated for, he signed a movie deal for 100,000 dollars.
This isn't magic, it's your subconscious. Sorry-people who believe in the Secret. It's not the Cosmos making you successful, it's your own focused intention. Your brain is pretty powerful once it makes a decision.
Or at least that's my opinion.
So I sculpted this book out of clay, stuck it in the fire, and promptly lost in in the coals.I don't know if I was high from all the burning sage I breathed in, but I couldn't deal with the loss of my clay book.
I'm not superstitious, but I panicked, ran back to the house and made another one.
This one disappeared too.
"JESUS CHRIST!"I started to freak out. Was my book doomed?
Are my "intentions" melting away? I thought. This is bullshit.
So I made yet another one, this time it was huge, and put it on the coals. Half of it melted off, half of it hardened, so now I have a weird looking lump of clay on my mantle. On one side it has my books title, on the other side it says "I am going to go on Oprah." Or rather, it says "Opr" because most of my "intention" burned away.

I need to go on Oprah because I want to talk to her ,secretly, in the Green room before the show. i have this idea that super-rich women should fund lady- guerrilla training units in places like Darfur. If we armed the women, they would protect their children. Let the men go kill each other, I don't give a shit, but what makes those conflicts so heartbreaking is that they draw innocents into their wars.
Oprah has so much money, and she's always doing cool stuff over in Africa, she could pay for Blackwater to train the women of the Congo in hand to hand combat. If every woman in the world was a military trained sharpshooter, I think the world might be a safer place for our children.
My husband works with an ex-Marine, but he won't show me any kill tactics.
"Why are you so selfish?"I asked him at the company party.
Oprah would not be selfish. I am sure she would already have done this if she had only thought of it first. That is what people like me, the geniuses of the world, are here for. YOU are welcome.
So, I have to go on Oprah, present my plan to her and get her to fund it. I am hoping my burned lump of clay is going to help out with that. Everybody get our your chalices of menstrual blood, align your crystals with your heart chakra, and ask the "Universe" to help me out with this one.