Follow by Email

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Abortion Santa

Maybe I hate Santa Claus because the whole concept embeds a deep message of basing ones self worth on receiving lots of material goods( nice= presents, bad=sack of coal. Not to take the whole thing too seriously but what about poor children? it kind of sucks when you think about it)
I think my hatred for Santa began the first time I drove an acquaintance to get an abortion. For some reason I'm always the designated driver for these outings, I never really offer but am always up for it when asked. It's not a party but I don't mind doing it. You might even say I've become sort of good at it-telling funny stories in the car about annoying children I've met, getting the scrips later, making the hot chocolate, prank calling the douchebag impregnator who wouldn't go with the girl. I've done this more than once, always with someone I don't know well, women who heartbreakingly don't have anyone else to be there for them. I must just have that baby killer look or something.
It's not bad. It's always fun to mess with the protesters outside. I once clipped one with my front bumper when she blocked my car. Another time I pretended to falter.
"Oh maybe you're right."I said, walking towards them, then turning."Nah, I don't want to get fat."
There is one doctor who does these procedures in Austin. It's a brave job and I respect him for doing it. The first time I saw him he walked into the waiting room to greet my scared friend.
"Jesus Christ,' I thought as I looked at his round belly and white beard "It's fucking Santa Claus." He smiled kindly at us,straight out of a Coca Cola ad, one might have even said he was jolly. He was, and I am not kidding, wearing a red shirt.
Does he not know? Where is Mrs. Claus?
I imagined a room full of busy elves in the back carving speculum's by hand in their workshop. The suction hoses would be reindeer powered and every girl received a plate of freshly baked cookies.
Since I now have this association, I'm not so crazy about the Claus.
Maybe that is why I got so annoyed when Ruby and I watched Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer tonight.
Have you seen this movie lately? Let me break it down for you. Santa is a complete asshole. the elves make up songs about how cool he is and he just storms off and says their songs are crap. Much like Korea's Kim Jong Il, everyone is forced to worship Santa and he just grumps around in a stupid looking outfit.
The elves are imprisoned in some kind of slave labor factory, one of them wants to find work elsewhere as a dentist on the Island of Misfit Toys but he's mocked and brow beaten and forced to continue working, sewing Nike patches onto tiny sneakers or carving wooden bratz dolls with his tiny swollen fingers.
there is a lot of mockery in this cartoon actually. Donner, Rudolph's dad, is verbally abusive in the classic alcoholic style. I'm surprised that instead of running off with his new pimp Cornelius to the Island of Misfit Toys Rudolph didn't just take a gun to his head after growing up in that reindeer hell hole.All of the other reindeer really wouldn't let Rudolph play in their reindeer games, leading to a lifetime of therapy for sure.
Also, all of the other reindeer's laugh and call him names, even the grownup ones are assholes. Then they need his red nose to fly so then all of a sudden they're all super nice to him. Rudolph is so fucked up and eager to please that he goes along with it, and the whole time i was thinking if I were Rudolph I'd just say "Fuck you Santa. I'm going to bring the Abominable Snowman back up in here and fuck your shit up."
But he doesn't, just flies the sleigh, which undoubtedly makes a HUGE carbon footprint going all the way around the world in one night even if it's only powered by reindeer farts. Ever heard of methane you red suited fascist? thought not.
Altogether I would say I prefer Abortion Santa over the traditional one.