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Monday, November 2, 2009

Trick or Treat


People focus on the "treat" of Halloween more than the "trick".
If you begin your big night out with a pigs head in the back of your station wagon, it's only logical that the night will end with a mime throwing it into someones backyard. I'm just saying. That's all I have to say about that.

I dressed up as Marie Antoinette this year, a choice made based on the fact that six months ago I bought a theater gown and a wig at a garage sale for three dollars. It was either Catherine the Great or Marie Antoinette. A bold girl I know, one of those down to earth, unselfconscious girls who can spontaneously dance in front of people without getting embarrassed, told me earlier in the day-"Who wants to carry around a fucking plastic horse all night?" She moved to the music, air humping with the phallic protrusion of her banana costume."Draw a guillotine line across your throat-Fuck it. Then you can party." Good advice.

Since it was Halloween I bought fake eyelashes to go with my fake nails. The box said they were made with "real human hair" a marketing line that proved extremely effective for me. Head-hair? Eyelash Hair? Man's chest hair? Dead people's hair? I am intrigued. But the box didn't clarify.

I like to wear fake eyelashes. It makes me feel like a tranny, not the streetwalking kind, the really classy ones, the Crying Game ones whose disguise as a woman are so good that you can't tell they are men. It satisfies the deep need in me that most girls have to dress up like a whore on Halloween. Everyone knows this-you can turn any costume into a slutty one on Halloween. You can get by with anything. Longing all year to wear a tutu with fishnets in public? Here you go! Want to wear a schoolgirl outfit/cheerleaders uniform/slutty fairy get up even though you are past thirty? Pasties? Halloween.

Add fishnets to any idea and you're all good. I have seen Vampire-Whore, Zombie-Whore,Whore Fairy, Whore-ballerina, even Whore dressed as Obscure Widespread Panic song( no one is going to get it, honey. You're just a whore)

AH, I love a whore, but now that I am 35, married and the owner of a small child, the thrill of walking around in stilettos in public with my ass hanging out under a tutu has faded.

Speaking of vampires, how many god damn vampire books, movies, and movie-advertising Halloween chocolates are needed? Really? We don't have enough zombie movies and yet every day there is some new white faced, fanged, blood drinking asshole falling in love with a mortal. Attention marketing executives-I've been over this since The Vampire Lestat. Please direct your shameless attempts to franchise animated dead people into zombies, because they never, ever get old.

Speaking of pedophiles, a girl told me at the Halloween party that in some states they require sex offenders to carve a special "sex offender" pumpkin and light it on the doorstep on Halloween. Not just leave the lights off and don't answer the door, but you actually carve a 'don't come here, I'm a predator" decoration.

"Hey Bob, can you make the softball game?"
"No man, I have to go home and carve a gourd with my shame."

I guess it's good that they're doing some arts and crafts, even if it's mandated by the state. I wonder what design they are forced to carve. A circle with a line through it? A sad face with one lonely tear? What if they aren't crafty with a knife?
She didn't know the answer to these questions I had, so maybe it was a bullshit story.
Apologies to everyone who found a severed chicken foot lodged under the windshield of their car on Halloween. It may or may not have been left by me and my associates.Trick or Treat. Suck it up.