Saturday, October 31, 2009
Just saw an elderly midget dressed as a Gnome smoking a cigar as he rolled down our street in a Rascal, cutting off a group of trick or treaters with a sour look on his face. Red pointy hat, the whole outfit. Now I know it's going to be a good Halloween.
Here's a tip. If you feel a sudden compulsion to stop in to your local salon and get fake nails applied instead of going over to the house you just moved out of to clean the rotting food out of the refrigerator, think twice.
I did such a thing today. I regretted said decision at certain moments-when I looked down at my hands and discovered that had I paid more attention to what the nail tech was doing I might have told her-"Hey. Don't leave them long and square like a tree sloth." or "Maybe I don't need to snort cocaine with my fingernails, let's cut them a little shorter and shape them so people don't point and laugh."
Sadly, I didn't really think any of it through. Not until jars of pickles were sliding from my paws did I realise it might make manual labor difficult to have inch long extensions protruding from my fingers.
Ladies! How do you manage this? I've always been a nail biter, but today i decided-I'm 34 years old. I want big girl fingers.
Not a good plan.
You know what else is made difficult with long painted claws?
Picking up small objects of any kind.
Certain essential sexually related activities.
Opening/using the cell phone while driving and smoking a cigarette.
All important activities of my daily life.
Unfortunate. But they look fucking hot.