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Friday, June 19, 2009

Strategies for coping with someone who watches sports all day long-

Put the same Nina Simone song on repeat as loud as it will go in the other room.

Stand directly in front of the TV and announce that your vagina "looks weird today"

Sit next to him on the couch and read Pablo Neruda poems into his ear.

A straight pin applied directly into a basketball will cause a slow, unnoticeable leak of air.

Embroider "-Insert Team's name here- Suck" on his favorite work shirt.

Tell him you heard that Tiger Woods is a closet gay.

Call in a bomb threat with the local police.(Get a hobo to call from a payphone)

Weld the golf clubs into a post modern sculpture and present it to him on Father's Day.

Caulk the holes in the bowling ball.

Change the channel to Spongebob then "lose" the remote.

Bedazzle his Golf shoes.

Cut out erect penises from a gay porn magazine and mail them to him anonymously every few days.( That doesn't have anything to do with sports, it's just fun)

Both Ambien and Xanax dissolve tastelessly in water ( or beer) Take him down.

Call his mother and tell her he bet the grocery money on a basketball game. Ask her for a loan, then tell her a good time to call back( middle of the game) Answer the phone. Hand it to him.

Sign him up with the Mormons, the Navy Recruitment people and several credit card companies. Tell them when to call your man. You know when.

Paint all the golf balls pink.