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Monday, March 16, 2009

Unexpected Turn

When I woke up this morning I had no idea my afternoon would end in being probed by a camera dildo.I had breakfast, dropped Ruby off at daycare, popped a xanax and showed up 15 minutes before my sonogram appointment.
No, I'm not pregnant, unless you count a tumor, which you could if you are a big Jesus loving person--you guys count all kinds of crazy stuff as "babies" -I don't know.
No, I was there to see if I have grown another cyst on my ovary. Some of you may remember my obsession with the last giant cyst I had. After googling cysts I discovered that some develop teeth and hair, and so I was convinced that I had some kind of furry rabitty thing squirming in my abdomen, chewing on my ovary, causing trouble.
Fortunately I got pregnant within a month of finding that out, and little Ruby had a hand in shrinking my tumor babies as she grew. Even then she refused to share her space.
So now, they think I might have another one on my left ovary. So I show up at this place and the tech who comes to do the scan is Russian. I asked her if she had some vodka, you know to relax me. She did not share my sense of humor.
" You take underwear OFF!"
"okay okay!"
"You lift feet up NOW"
"yes of course I will"
And then she pulled out this huge white dildo attached to the computer. Were they going to download something in me? Sort of, but nothing cool like music or family photographs.No, she would be plugging that thing in " Is like a TAMPON, ok?"
Yes it was, a tampon with a sonar device to snap some pictures of my tumor baby.
My thoughts went like this.

Whales have sonar, and they seem smaller than this dildo. Perhaps we could use a whale next time, I think it might be more comfortable.

Whoa! Nikita! You are not drilling something with your instrument.I am not a diamond mine( well, maybe I am ) Maybe the ladies like it that way in the Ukraine, but not me.

Most of the time though I was thinking, Wow I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for the cyst. Because if Its the size of a grapefruit and they have to take it out, instantly flatter belly for me! The whole session I was mentally trying on bathing suits. Some people worry about things like deadly cancer on that table. I am hoping for surgery where I can get a flat belly and a scrip for some lovely Vicodin.

So, I am rooting for the cyst, teeth and hair or not. Take it out Nikita!
Of course I asked her about it. Everyone knows they cant tell you, but you have to try right?
" I do not give any information out."

Thank you for being such a cheerless dildo-camera operator. I think if I could have a job for the week it would definitely be dildo-camera operator. But even that would get lame over time. Maybe she is burned out. She goes home to her bleary husband at night, "Boris, I am so tired of inserting cameras into ladies and looking for the cysts. I need a new more fulfilling career."
Maybe he says, " What color is your parachute Nikita? Maybe it's just not your passion, the dildos." And then they have some borsht.

I don't know! Maybe she's single.