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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Print me some bigger boobies please!

A new health food store has opened up down the street, I can't remember the name of it but the sign claims to be "From the Vitamin Cottage".
I love this name. Is it a dwelling fashioned out of vitamins? Is it a house where only vitamins live, perhaps on the cliffs by the Manganese Sea?
" After Vitamin College, the wife and I purchased this Vitamin Cottage."

My mother has a freakishly sensitive sense of smell, and when I was in high school I thought it was really funny to torture her with it. One night after some really big fight with her, I snuck into her bedroom with an exacto knife and cut away a tiny flap in the carpeting under her bead. I inserted a giant B vitamin in the hole and closed it. Do you know that smell? Can you call it up right now?
It drove her crazy. She wandered around like a zombie, getting up multiple times in the middle of the night to vacuum, groggily asking me," Do you smell that?"
"No," I would shrug, barely holding in my glee.
Children are horrible.
My dad is in Oregon, using his vast engineering genius to construct new marijuana smoking and growing devices. He wakes up in the middle of the night, he says, with full plans for inventions that do everything from fix his liver to super-speed fraction of a second flashes for photographers. He invented one a long time ago that the Portland zoo uses to get those pictures of hummingbirds perfectly in focus, mid wing flap, which I guess is hard to do.
" All I have to do is configure an offset parabolic reflector blah blah blah."
Clearly I am the milkman's child.
He wants to work on some kind of new invention they have come up with, something to do with the way they created a beating mouse heart out of stem cells, where they are able to PRINT a new organ for you. With stem cells and an actual futuristic printer. Look it up. Some guy just had his finger regrown out of pig tissue and stem cells, it has a new nail and a fingerprint and everything.
Those crazy scientists, they're always coming up with wacky new stuff.I love em!
I told him to focus his brain on global warming and alternative energy solutions. Maybe he will wake up in the middle of the night, Tesla style, and knock that problem out for us. I know every little girl thinks her dad is the smartest man on earth, but I think there is the vaguest possibility that I may be right. While he is languishing in a haze of pot smoke, waiting for his liver to be printed by Dr Who, my dad is working on saving the world.