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Saturday, October 31, 2009

गेत्तिंग अ fill

Just saw an elderly midget dressed as a Gnome smoking a cigar as he rolled down our street in a Rascal, cutting off a group of trick or treaters with a sour look on his face. Red pointy hat, the whole outfit. Now I know it's going to be a good Halloween.

Here's a tip. If you feel a sudden compulsion to stop in to your local salon and get fake nails applied instead of going over to the house you just moved out of to clean the rotting food out of the refrigerator, think twice.
I did such a thing today. I regretted said decision at certain moments-when I looked down at my hands and discovered that had I paid more attention to what the nail tech was doing I might have told her-"Hey. Don't leave them long and square like a tree sloth." or "Maybe I don't need to snort cocaine with my fingernails, let's cut them a little shorter and shape them so people don't point and laugh."
Sadly, I didn't really think any of it through. Not until jars of pickles were sliding from my paws did I realise it might make manual labor difficult to have inch long extensions protruding from my fingers.
Ladies! How do you manage this? I've always been a nail biter, but today i decided-I'm 34 years old. I want big girl fingers.
Not a good plan.
You know what else is made difficult with long painted claws?
Picking up small objects of any kind.
Certain essential sexually related activities.
Opening/using the cell phone while driving and smoking a cigarette.
All important activities of my daily life.
Unfortunate. But they look fucking hot.


  1. If you would have looked closer, that gnome was your cousin Dena! lol After almost cutting my woo-hoo to shreds I decided that short nails are hot too!

  2. I had some nails on for my Halloween costume and yes, they do look so hot. I did have to have my husband take out my contacts for me though. I couldn't get them out without impaling my eyeball.

  3. Funnny! I LOOOVE the way they look, but alas...making jewelry, cooking, creating anything for that matter and the frickers get in the way. Not to mention, they just don't look hot after being caked in glue, glitter, flour, melted by solder...etc. Mine ended up looking like some homeless broads.
    My nail lady always asked..."what you do nails?" "Uhhh...working lady." she then says. "you ruin, need new set"
    forget it, take them off...I have better things to do than sit for hours in a nails salon...well, I wish I didn't anyway.
    Not to mention, popping zits and picking your nose is REALLY hard!

  4. Forgive me if my typing wand, I mean large fake pointer nail, causes prolix typos. That out of the way, I completely relate and it was two days ago. Except I went even one rung lower on the ladder of shameless trashy behavior. I got glue-ons and did it myself. In a moving car. On the way to a formal event because at the last minute I suddenly cared that I'd be the only un-manicured person in the group and I am an awful nail biter. Yet, instead of getting the short, decent, relatively inconspicuous fake nails, I was drawn to the silver ones with pre-applied "airbrushing," swirly designs, and glitter. Even though they were crooked and I nearly glued my thumb to my hand, they KICKED ASS. Totally blew those modest french manicures away. Yet now I sit, day three, unable to do anything, too lazy to go buy the chemical that will burn them off my fingers, and too proud of how real I have convinced myself they look.