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Sunday, July 26, 2009

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

This morning I was outside waking up with my first refreshing cigarette of the day when I saw what looked like two birds doing it in the branch of a tree above my head. I wasn't sure, exactly, because I didn't have my glasses on, but as I squinted my eyes at them I could make out flapping grey wings (pigeons?) and beaks. It occurred to me then that I didn't know anything about bird penises. I didn't even know if birds possessed them. Would they be fleshy, like our own, or feathered at the tip? Perhaps scaled like their feet.

As I watched, what I'd assumed to be a blurry moving mass of two feathered creatures was suddenly revealed to be three as one flew out and away, leaving the other to to continue their date. Did I just witness an avain threeway? I felt shocked that this debauchery was taking place in my very own yard, in public, above the head of my innocent daughter. What I assumed to be the girl bird showed no outward signs of shame as her remaining suitor stood on her neck and flapped his wings in triumph. Slut.

After looking up "bird gangbangs" on Google and finding nothing I searched for "bird penis" and found a photograph of the world's largest documented bird dick. Belonging to a promiscuous species of duck, it hangs 42 inches long from his body like a piece of stretched taffy, sadly unfeathered, curling up at it's ends. All of this information came from the thesis of a man with the unfortunate name of Dr. McCracken, who decided after years of education, to specialise in measuring duck boners.

Just for fun I looked up the length of the longest human penis ever recorded and found that it measured only 14 inches long. The shortest erect penis measured on an adult male, by the way, was one centimeter long.

Ticks do not have penises.

Tapeworms have two sets of sex organs on each segment of their body. They mate with themselves to grow eggs, which I imagine makes their social lives uncomplicated but lonely.

Tapeworms live in your intestine. They have teeth. The only way to get one is to swallow a flea, although women in the seventeenth century sometimes swallowed whole worms to lose weight. The creatures sucked the nutrients and fat from their food before it could be absorbed, allowing them to fit more comfortably in their wasp waisted corsets.

In addition to swallowing parasites, they also had surgery to remove a rib bone or two. Then they employed servants to pull and lace their undergarments so tight they often fainted at the slightest surprise or rise in temperature. After years of this practice their organs squished themselves up or down into other cavities of the body, the hips or the rib cage, to have more room to do their work. All of this to catch a man.

The slutty bird in my yard doesn't appear to have given much thought to dolling up in preparation for her morning train. In fact, as I come outside wearing my glasses to have a better look, she looks pretty unkempt, feathers molting every which way, white poop stains on her feet, but what do I know? Maybe that is exactly what drives the man birds crazy. Clearly she has no shortage of admirers today.

Now that I know what is really going on in my yard I think I'll be spending more time out there. If you drive by and see me waving my arms and squinting into the trees I am only trying to measure the penises of some hardcore bird porn.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Hey R.P.,
    I have a couple questions:
    1. Does God have a Holy Penis.
    If not how would he have buggered Joseph and caused Mary to have that illegitimate Love Child of theirs?
    If so Just how big / small is it?
    John Holmes or Pee Wee Herman?
    That is the Ultimate Question of the Porno-verse! That would also be the very best Maury Povich show ever!
    2. Does Jesus have a penis?
    If he did would that not be a Cosmic NO-Screw up. A complete waste of perfectly good lingum !
    I guess I'll write the 700 club.
    I'm sure they will be more than glad to provide an answer. What do you think?
    Please help!