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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

the Wheels on the Bus

Yesterday Ruby and I were treated to the ending of a movie called "Free Willy". I had never seen this movie before, although I felt as though i had because for years i've heard talk show hosts make stupid jokes about the name. i knew it was about whales.
Whales sound good, I thought. Anything at all is better than the Wheels on the Bus. I am going to throw myself under those wheels and the wipers will go swish swish swish all through the Town.
So, whales, can't be too bad.
It was SO bad. First of all, we came in at the end, so i didn't know why they were stealing this whale in a pickup truck. Also, why the super pissed gangsters(?!) trying to cock block the whale rescue?
Also the little boy acted like this killer whale was actually his dog, or best friend and when he asked the sea creature questions it would nod or shake its head. Okay.
Finally, when the whale had to jump a 50 foot embankment to get away from the mean gangsters the Indian guy, who looked just like Chief Stereotype-um from a Big Red chaw package, began to chant his Indian magic spell to help the whale go over the hill. The boy did not help at all, in fact he stood on top of the hill, right where the whale needed to go, so he actually added about 4 feet to to distance the whale had to clear.
Thanks you little shit, the whale was thinking, thanks a lot.
Is anyone else concerned about what this teaches our children about physics? There is no way that whale could have built up the momentum to clear that barrier, even with the chanting, which I'm sure was very encouraging.
Wheels on the Bus has a similar distraction for me, when they fly the bus to the moon using a shit ton of balloons. At one point one of the monkeys says, " Could we fly the bus to the moon using birds?" and everyone is like, " No you stupid retard, birds can't fly to the moon!Gaw!"
But then they go right ahead and use balloons, which is just as impossible. Jerks! You're messing with my head now. I can accept talking monkeys, I can accept giant green dragons, but you can't fly to the moon on balloons.
I mean this is important stuff. All over the place I hear people talk about setting examples in "morality" for children on TV. But what about basic scientific principles? Because all that morality is going to go right out the window, along with your child as they sneak out to drink Boones with the opposite sex, as soon as they hit puberty. But if we are vigilant with their science now, they will not attempt to fly out the window tied to a bunch of balloons like a retarded talking monkey.


  1. yes, that movie is ridiculous.
    its a must miss, and you caught the best part.

    i hear you about all the weird paradoxes of kids cartoons, movies liturature...

    there is alot wierd anti-science aspects! the there is so much other crazy stuff too!
    words like "stupid" and "hate" are bandied around like nobody's business!
    have you rewatched donald duck lately? the violence rivals action movies... or even nursery rhymes from the pristine "good old days"? strange and also violent.
    i HATE lying to my kid about Santa, but apparently if i don't, i'm a bad parent. but the morality crew seems to miss all that...

    i just did on of those survey things on Facebook... one of the questions was "what was your first alcholic drink?" one answer sweeps the land on that one... Boones!

  2. It is now official. You're my hero.

  3. That was completely hilarious. I love your writing!

  4. Yes, here's to filling our children's heads with bullshit and then wondering why they don't believe us about anything.

    I don't think I was ever as outraged as when I saw Peter Pan as a mother. That scene when Tink looks at her butt after she can't fit through a key hole almost made me have a stroke. WHAT AM I TELLING MY KIDS?!?!

  5. bahahahaaa! you are too frigging hilarious.

  6. The only thing that would have saved THAT movie would have been for the Killer Freakin Whale to snap up the little dorky morsel, leaving only a pair of sneakers with ankles stickin out of em and credits rolling ever upward lifted by a colorful assortment of balloons.

  7. oh crap don't go see that new movie that's coming out called "UP", it shows his whole house ripping off the basement & tearing the pipes off (without the gas blowing up) all with... BALLOONS!! hahaha!!! i'll see it then fill you in!

  8. mmmmmmm...fuzzy navel boones was my favorite when i was 16 and went camping with boys! hheeeeheee!