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Monday, March 16, 2009

Unexpected Turn

When I woke up this morning I had no idea my afternoon would end in being probed by a camera dildo.I had breakfast, dropped Ruby off at daycare, popped a xanax and showed up 15 minutes before my sonogram appointment.
No, I'm not pregnant, unless you count a tumor, which you could if you are a big Jesus loving person--you guys count all kinds of crazy stuff as "babies" -I don't know.
No, I was there to see if I have grown another cyst on my ovary. Some of you may remember my obsession with the last giant cyst I had. After googling cysts I discovered that some develop teeth and hair, and so I was convinced that I had some kind of furry rabitty thing squirming in my abdomen, chewing on my ovary, causing trouble.
Fortunately I got pregnant within a month of finding that out, and little Ruby had a hand in shrinking my tumor babies as she grew. Even then she refused to share her space.
So now, they think I might have another one on my left ovary. So I show up at this place and the tech who comes to do the scan is Russian. I asked her if she had some vodka, you know to relax me. She did not share my sense of humor.
" You take underwear OFF!"
"okay okay!"
"You lift feet up NOW"
"yes of course I will"
And then she pulled out this huge white dildo attached to the computer. Were they going to download something in me? Sort of, but nothing cool like music or family photographs.No, she would be plugging that thing in " Is like a TAMPON, ok?"
Yes it was, a tampon with a sonar device to snap some pictures of my tumor baby.
My thoughts went like this.

Whales have sonar, and they seem smaller than this dildo. Perhaps we could use a whale next time, I think it might be more comfortable.

Whoa! Nikita! You are not drilling something with your instrument.I am not a diamond mine( well, maybe I am ) Maybe the ladies like it that way in the Ukraine, but not me.

Most of the time though I was thinking, Wow I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for the cyst. Because if Its the size of a grapefruit and they have to take it out, instantly flatter belly for me! The whole session I was mentally trying on bathing suits. Some people worry about things like deadly cancer on that table. I am hoping for surgery where I can get a flat belly and a scrip for some lovely Vicodin.

So, I am rooting for the cyst, teeth and hair or not. Take it out Nikita!
Of course I asked her about it. Everyone knows they cant tell you, but you have to try right?
" I do not give any information out."

Thank you for being such a cheerless dildo-camera operator. I think if I could have a job for the week it would definitely be dildo-camera operator. But even that would get lame over time. Maybe she is burned out. She goes home to her bleary husband at night, "Boris, I am so tired of inserting cameras into ladies and looking for the cysts. I need a new more fulfilling career."
Maybe he says, " What color is your parachute Nikita? Maybe it's just not your passion, the dildos." And then they have some borsht.

I don't know! Maybe she's single.


  1. I too have been probed with the dildo camera. But not by a grumpy Russian lady! She sounds hilarious. Haha, I used to hope for cysts as well, to shrink my belly. Dr. thought that might be what was stopping my monthly visit for years. Instead I had a baby. Now the visit comes too often.

  2. Nuh-uh!!!!

    I had the 28 pound para-ovarian cyst on my right falopian tube with the hair, skin, and teeth encased in the giant benign cyst which was removed, as a whole unit, when I was seventeen and did leave with a crazy perfect figure. It is known as a dermoid cyst.

    Then when our second son was born he had a knot above his right eye and he had the exact same tumor filled with the hair, teeth and skin-ooooohhhh gross.

    Serioulsy, I have said this before, "Are you my long lost Irish Catholic-put up for adoption-without me ever knowing until now, twin in Texas?"

    This stuff you put out here mirrors my life in the freakiest of ways-hahahahahaha

  3. Hope all is well in russian cyst finding land, love the vodka comment, I wish I could be that witty in stressful situations!
    I am totally digging your blog, love your clothes but on a chunky little 44 year old body they would not do them justice!
    Hugs, Jackie

  4. "Thank you for being such a cheerless dildo-camera operator." This is the best line I've heard all day.

  5. Oh my giddy Aunt..... You should get your own show!!!

    I'm guessing she's single.

  6. i was recently probed by the dil-cam as well. it was nay fun. my cysts are in my uterus and not on my ovaries, but can we still be cyst-ers? ha.

  7. wow, I had no idea how many cyst people there are out there.
    I'm just glad they're not somewhere else, like my nose or my butt.

  8. Dear Cyst,

    This is Emma (from Chicago)'s wisdom tooth. I am here in Austin, because on the first day of Emma's vacation, I was pulled out in an emergency maneuver. Now I am hanging out in her diaper bag. Perhaps when she is asleep from the vicodin, I will sneak out and we can meet up at Central Market. Emma said to check your etsy for more details. Until then...


  9. While enjoying my weekly brain scan and colon o scopie treatment at the Club Mc Med center, (the latest thing in hospital and burger joint combo I read your article. In truth these Dr.s use a different style of Dildo-cam. During the procedure I must have fallen asleep because I had a vision of your Cyst buddy.
    It was so clear to me - the answer was so simple and normal. Your Cyst buddy enigma has to be simply that when you absorbed your evil twin as a Zygote he was trapped and transformed into a full tilt Zombie! These Gnarly balls are just his Eggs. Yes Ruby; Zombie eggs! You are SO' lucky! Please turn the Dildo-cam around next time and show us all the teeth. - Watch your fingers ----Promise promise!!!!

  10. I currently have a 9cm ovarian cyst that they are trying to shrink with hormones.....uh, yeah, I feel soo happy these days...NOT! Like a frickin' rollercoaster of emotions. Broke my pendant I was trying to photograph....start crying....yup, it is SO much better NOT to just have it removed by surgery....ahem. I too have had the trans-vaginal ultrasound, but no funny Russian woman! Why do you get all the fun?

    Have a great week!