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Monday, December 8, 2008

Go Home Lion!

Ruby's Biggest fears are--

Someone or something might eat her piggies

At night when she's scared that a lion or a tiger might appear and try to gnaw on her toes she declares--Go Home Lion! Go Home to your Mommy! Leave Ruby Alone!

And then she seems satisfied that everything is all right. I've heard her whimpering in her sleep, saying " That's MY Blankie!"

I wish that her fears would never become more complex than this.Can any adult really imagine a state of mind so sweetly simple that your biggest concerns are easily conquered? The strongest admonition she needs to banish her deepest terror is to send it home to it's mommy. Her worries of loss only extend to a blanket.

My fears are as boundless as the night. They are so intricate and evolved that they have developed their own neurotic phobias. Sometimes I don't even know what I am afraid of, I just know that something isn't right.

When I feel this way I am soothed by being close to Jeff and Ruby. I think about our ancestors huddled in caves.We are mammals and we need the proximity of our kin around us to feel whole and safe sometimes.

Jeff is gone right now, and I miss him. There are times in every realtionship when you wonder how tied up you really are. Sometimes I feel like I am just barely connected to him, like a milkweed pod that a strong breeze could click off it's stalk and blow away . I wonder about these things, and then he will leave for a day and I realise that he is so deep in my blood that I can't even see him until he's gone. The way you wouldn't think much about your left arm unless it was removed, and then suddenly I imagine it would be you can think about.
I read somewhere that scientists have found fetal cells in mother's bloodstreams as many as 30 years after the test subjects have given birth to their children. So in a very real sense, a mother's blood and tissues create her child but the child forever alters her as well. I have a secret theory that when two people are in love, something happens on a cellular level that intertwines their biology. I have no evidence of this and it probably doesn't make sense logically, but I like to imagine it just the same. My mitochondria are crying out for some faint vibration they've come to rely on from Jeff's sub atomic particles.