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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Jaws

Ruby was outside playing in the yard tonight with her new toy. It's a two foot long rubber shark. I bought it years ago because of how incredibly lifelike and frightening it was, and now it spends it's days being toted around in the arms of a toddler and wearing it's very own diaper. Everything has to have a diaper now.
She was showing the shark the dog poop on the lawn and admonishing it "NO Touch Poopie ! NO TOUCH!" in case it wanted to. I taught her that it's name is Jaws.
Jaws is asleep with her in the crib now, diapered. We brushed its bloody teeth, and she rubbed it's belly and sang it to sleep. She sternly ordered it to "CLOSE EYES! Head Down Jaws!"
It doesn't scare her, but it seems to embolden her. When I suggested that she too might want to put her head down and close her eyes she said, "No. I get up." and when I balked at this she pointed the shark at me and growled.

Mental note to self--
Discourage my daughter from becoming a marine biologist. I fear what could happen should the combination of her megolomaniac tendencies and a control over trained killers of the sea ever intersect.

Meanwhile my dad is in Oregon getting further training on how to be a more effective stoner. He's attended classes in marijuana tincture distilling and plant cloning, cross pollinization techniques and grow lights, all of this sponsored by the state of Oregon. When he calls, I can tell he's giddy but trying to act cool, like a teenage boy pretending that toking up is something he does all the time.

While he is getting his PHD at Maryjane U., I am busy burning bridges here in Austin. I have no patience. There! I am going to stop trying to be patient with idiots and douchebags. Fuck the Budhists in Plum Village, Down with What Would jesus Do, Everyone can officially suck on my left titty nipple from now on!
What I'm reffering to is a conversation in which I finally told a real jerk I've had to work with for the last 6 years to wrap it around a brick and shove it up his ass- a phrase I learned from my local librarian. And although this move will surely affect my pocketbook, I can't tell you how pleased I am with myself. I'm pleased with myself. I guess I can tell you.
Eyes Closed!
Head Down!